Beginnersí Guide to Croquet

Compiled by the Secretary of the Much Myssing Croquet Club

 

Advanced

Average age of our members.

 

Breaks

Popular and profitable (see Teas).

 

Crush

Large excitable crowd Ė not relevant to this club.

 

Double Banking

Error by the Treasurer, who never really got the hang of the internet.

 

Elections

Allowed for in the constitution, but in practice never held (see Volunteers).

 

Facilities

Victorian, listed.

Note to self: investigate possibility of grant.

 

Grass

Essential component of any club (see Tea, Volunteers).  

Note to self: who else knew that Iíd lost the AGM minutes?

 

Handicapper

A player it is unwise to beat.

 

In

My opponentís ball regularly just manages this.  

Urgent note to self: speak to groundsman before my next game.

 

Jump

Usually occurs when lined up for a perfect rush down the lawn to Hoop 1

(see Non-Advanced). 

 

K

Looks like a diagram from a coaching session. Either a wide split shot from near the boundary or a jump shot against a hoop upright. I wouldnít attempt either of these.

 

Lawn

Something this club has a lot of.

 

Money

Something this club hasnít got a lot of.

 

 

Non-Advanced

Me.

 

Opportunity

My opponent leaves a ball at my hoop and another in the middle, then I miss a short roquet.

 

Pass Roll

See Tea.

 

Queen

Apparently the CA Patron, although Iíve never seen her at this club.

 

Rush Shot

Iíve just remembered Iím supposed to be at the dentist at two oíclock.

 

Spectators

I thought we had a visitor once, a couple of weeks ago, but he turned out to be a VAT inspector.

 

Tea

Essential component of any club (see Grass, Volunteers). A good money-spinner.

 

Up

The direction my handicap has steadily been going, and where the subscriptions are also going to have to go.

 

Volunteers

Essential component of any club (see Grass, Tea).  Note to self: try to find some.

 

Wiring Lift

Weíre going to have to replace the wiring soon, but a lift?  With £200 in the bank?

 

X

Looks like a voting slip but I donít remember ever having a committee election. Could be from when we were going to remove the birdsí nest from the ladiesí toilets and that RSPB guy objected. 

 

Yellow

Yellow attracts bees.  Note to self: choose the dark colours when near a flowerbed. 

(See Jump).

 

Zzzz

Distracting bee noise (see Yellow) or someone asleep (see Advanced).

 

Submitted by Liz Potter (Cheltenham)